So, to catch up on my posts-per-week goal, provide something for Reddit to peruse, and give me an easy blog post, here’s a recipe for y’alls.
So as mentioned at the end of June, my woman’s been staying with me this month, and she’s some sort of low-carb prodigy. So I’ve had a delightful month converting my normal diet to shed the carbs she can’t eat (did you know carrots are off-limits? How about goddamn tomatoes?). So I decided to make her one of those meatloaf cakes you occasionally see. And down below you’ll see it in all its delicious glory. But you who know of low carb might be wondering how the mashed potato crust (the sworn arch-nemesis of low-carb diets) is helping this in its low-carbing.
Well, the fact that it’s actually cauliflower might help a little with that wondering. But enough of that, it’s recipe time.
You will need:
1kg (2lbs) of minced (ground) beef
100g of pork scratchings/pork rinds
Your favourite hot sauce (I used her sriracha)
350g of cauliflower
Some cream (say 200ml of double cream?)
Onion powder, garlic powder and paprika
Two 9 inch cake tins
Foil-lined baking tray
Some way to steam vegetables (I use a saucepan of salted water, with a colander in it, and the saucepan lid on top of that. You could use a steamer.)
Large mixing bowl
- Preheat your oven to whatever, I don’t know. 200*C? 450*F? 2690 Kelvins? Just put it to your normal temperature you cook things at.
- Throw the pork scratchings into your blender, and buzz them until they take on the texture of breadcrumbs. Since you can’t throw breadcrumbs or smashed crackers or whatever into a low-carb dish, ground up pigskin is awesome!
- Start steaming your cauliflower at this point. You want it to be horribly, disintegratingly soft. If it falls apart when you look at it, it’s done.
- Transfer your pigcrumbs to your mixing bowl, and squish together with your cowmeat, eggs and some hot sauce to taste. Mash together until it resembles meatloaf. I meant to add some paprika to my recipe at this point, but I plain forgot. Add paprika. Paprika is hella tasty.
- Grease your cake tins with butter, and split the meatloaf mix between them. You might not need to grease them, but it’s a cake, and my reptillian brain is telling me cake tins need greasing, damnit.
- Put the cake tins in the oven. They’ll need about 20 minutes to be done enough, more or less, they’ll be finished off later.
- Hopefully your cauliflower is done by now. Let it dry just a little, so it’s damp but not wet.
- Rinse out your blender, then throw in the cauliflower and blend on high until it turns into paste. Add the cream, season with garlic and onion powders, and blend until it’s the consistancy of cake frosting/icing. It can be a little moister, since it won’t run when you cook it, and cook it you will need to.
- When the meat cakes are done, plop one onto the baking tray, liberally top it with ketchup, then drop the other on top. Make sure the ketchup doesn’t spill out the sides.
- Eat that delicious jelly-like meatloaf runoff that accumulates in the cake tins. That runoff is always tastier than the meatloaf. It’s like raw cookie dough or cake mix that way, only meaty and fatty.
- Frost the cake with your cauliflower icing. It’ll work just like regular icing if you’ve done it right.
- Return the cake to the oven for 10 minutes. Or, if you follow my recipe exactly how I did it, turn down the temperature and leave it there for two hours as your girlfriend struggles to get home with the trains.
- Decorate with hot sauce and/or ketchup. You see that cute steak picture on top? Done with massive blobs of sriracha. It looks cute, but I took a bite of that piece, and was incapacitated with stomach cramps for an hour. Go easy on the nuclear-hot Chinese hot sauce!
- Cut and serve, will last two meals for two hungry people.
That’s about it. Done for now. Bye!